How to chase away clients

Published by Staff – 29 June 2021

Here’s the post you’ve all been waiting for: a guide to making your clients run for the hills. We’re going to set aside those who want to tank the company on purpose and/or fill their competitors’ coffers. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental!

The Cowboy

After making your client wait (be at least 30 minutes late), it’s time for the presentation. Get off to a great start by not introducing yourself. A slightly haughty “hello” will do just fine. Make clear that they don’t deserve you. If the atmosphere becomes slightly awkward, you’re on the right track! For bonus points, answer your phone if it rings during the conversation, and mention to the person on the line that it’s “not a bad time.”

The Bumbling Sales Rep

Feel free to start your meeting with a kiss on the cheek, as if you were at a cocktail party. They certainly won’t see it coming. Then talk about your other clients. Complain about them while also noting that the product you sell is overrated, insisting that you like to be honest with your clients. If that doesn’t do the trick, you can also work in some little “jokes.” That’s a nice pink shirt. It takes a lot of guts to wear that. There’s no risk of overdoing it. Give them your whole stand-up routine.

The Sleeping Pill

it takes a true artist to pull this one off. You have to be subtle to present your product poorly while also appearing serious. First, give a one-dimensional—or even monotonous—product description. They need to hear the weariness in your voice—a bland, flat tone. They should be bored to death listening to you.   If your client somehow still becomes interested, you need to get out the big guns. Discounts are not allowed—I don’t even want to see a goody to say thanks. If the client wants to sign, find an excuse to set up another meeting.

The Vanishing Act

You’re the only one in the world who offers what you sold your client, so don’t waste your time showing them your appreciation. Don’t let a “thank you” slip out of your mouth. Friendship with your client is completely out of the question and whatever you do, don’t answer their phone calls. That’s an order! Disappear from their life as quickly as you appeared. Chasing away your client also means performing your own vanishing act. If they have complaints, all the better—don’t reply yourself. Give them time to stew and let your intern take care of it.

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